justatshirt

I write this with frustration and anxiety; my current situation [with work] is a constant struggle, ego driven with a hint of masochism. To help set the background, I’ll open with this very biting and aggressive statement: I must not continue to put my faith into a system which I ultimately despise, which is overtly flawed and serves no purpose other than grotesque self-satisfaction and the denial of its nihilistic traits.

During the course of a day, of a week I find myself feeling disappointed, not necessary with the situation, but with the way I react and respond to the situation. If my work life were a person, then I would characterise it as a an all-powerful despot that draws its strengths and negative energy from the people it affects, as if it had an invisible hand manipulating anything and everything within reach. This is an irrational statement and feeling, but it is neither a belief nor an objective truth. Perhaps, this interpretation or characterisation is simple a projection from my own psyche; simply I am projecting my own negative thoughts and feelings onto this object, unconsciously, but for what purpose or to what ends?

If there were a conflict it would be interesting to interpret it as an internal conflict (as opposed to an external one).To suggest –as I am- that the problem is not this world but with my understanding of this world, would be problematic to say the least. Bricks and mortar –as objects- have no intrinsic meaning in isolation (from the subjective world); they have no emotions or motives. It is not until we, as human beings, in our pursuit to find meaning (in a meaningless world) empower these objects and give them meaning. This could be true for my empowering of my work, my office space, my desk. If the meaning and power I give to these things results in their metaphysical power over me, then I feel I can begin to identify the source of my problems (at work) by introspection.

Example: I find myself constantly at odds with the particular management style of the people above me; I believe that they make the wrong decisions with in turn has a negative effect on the majority. It is my belief that I could do a better job that I should be the one to lead, I have a better and more conceptualised understanding of structures and systems that you abuse though your ignorance.

Is this is a contradiction in terms? If I believe on the one hand that the system is flawed and I ultimately despise it, then why would I want to want to possess it, and become frustrated when this possession is denied?

The belief that I could do a better job [than those above me]; predictably (for me) results in any request or decision made [by the management] will often be met with resistance and contempt. Quite expectantly, this in turn results in tension and negativity [external]. If the source of this belief is rooted in my concept of idealism, then it is purely narcissistic in nature.

From a classical psychoanalytical perspective (which should be taken with a massive pinch of salt) perhaps this internal conflict [between my ego (idealistic) and super ego (sublimated authority)] is being projected outward and onto the people and concepts in my work place. The contempt is with myself, with my self-oppression, with my narcissism. If this is a truth, then I can realistically only find resolution by accepting the reality that not everything can be controlled.

I often preach about my desire to keep my work life and personal life separate, if this task could be judged, it would be reasonable to assume that I have failed. However, I strongly suggest that the divide [work/life balance] is farcical and simply cannot exist…perhaps the above supports this.

Tags: featured, personal, psychology, self-analysis, work

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